Listen to the episode here.

I look around this table… and I see familiar faces. Familiar faces, but absent hearts. To my left, my cousins are gossiping away. Sharing anecdotes about their lives. Engrossed in conversation. To my right, the older folks dancing around our poorly dressed up Santa. Laughter dancing through the air (from both sides), invading the dark clouds that hang above me… Christmas is not so jolly for me.

Their voices fill the room as their chatter awakens me from my daze. ‘What did you get for Christmas?’ Ah, the typical debate of this festive night. ‘An iPod Touch!’ ‘A new phone!’ ‘These cool heels!’ Their eyes now shine down on me. ‘… Nothing,’ I mutter. For a second their eyes bellow with sadness. Pity even. But that’s a distant memory now. Their gossiping away like I had never uttered a word. My heart ached. Not for a longing of materialistic things. But for the joy of having someone, like your parents, their parents, thinking about your widened smile or the glow in your eyes when you unravel their gift only to find your parents had been listening all year. Had cared. And bought you something you had craved all year. It saddens me, not because I had no gifts (some people don’t have the luxury of showering their children with expensive things), but the fact that despite your neglect and torture all year round, you didn’t have anything to show for it. Not a hug. Not a letter. Nothing. Your heart is just absent. Your love? Is it even alive… for me?

Every year I tell myself, it’ll be different this year. You’ll show you actually care. Just maybe. And every year, you disappoint me. That’s your gift to me.

Merry Christmas, indeed.

I’m sorry, Firefox. I won’t ever make this mistake again. I love you.

Ironically, I’m composing this whilst using Google Chrome. Consider this a farewell gift, Chrome.

It sucks how one little thing can ruin your whole day.”

***

So, I have this thing where I think I might like a boy. Yet subconsciously destroy any chance of there ever being anything, before it’s even started. To protect myself from being hurt. Or at least I tell my self this. Convince myself that that’s the reason. In order to control the regret that comes with it. And I stupidly thought that distancing myself from the opposite sex would stop this complication. Complication. Is it really? Maybe I just make it out to be more complex that it truly is. I can never make things easy on myself. I think I may have a form of OCD where I can’t control analysing everything — every whisper, touch, emotion. With that brings doubt. Followed by insecurity. And a long groveling night of hot-cocoa-sipping, teddy-bear-cuddling, and episode after episode of Gossip Girl.

***

Oh C. I guess those teenage angst days aren’t quite done with you yet. Guess someone’s going to have to rewrite her fairytale ending.

xoxo

GG.

So I recently discovered that amongst the early stages of fertilisation as an embryo, you actually develop by default as a female! It is only until testosterone appears that this will begin to change and develop into a male. As a growing organism, you wouldn’t want to have to put energy into making parts of the body, such as ovaries and nipples, then if a male presents itself, have to use more energy to remove these and re-create. So as the intelligent life form that we are (even at that very early stage), we counter this by altering the already developing parts to that from females to males. The ovaries, drop out (or down… you boys know how it goes), and become the testes. The nipples, having already developed, remain. This is probably the reason why boys have them! And alas, at the end of this significant cycle, a male is born. From the female, I might add.

So I guess we can say that men are just modified females. And who said we weren’t the superior gender?

***

Also everyone on break is sitting with friends on a table and I’m sitting here alone, envying them whilst I wait to see some cadavers. You heard right. Cadavers. That surely cheers me up.

Secondly, I’ve realised that I tend to write an immensely long rant about something personal, then feel it’s too personal to share on the internet, and save it as a draft instead, only to look back on it a few days later and think ‘what was I thinking about to post this?’ and delete it.

But there is a point to this blog. I have recently acquired a job at the cinemas. Hopelessly thinking it would be a walk in the park, upon returning from my first shift I can say I was mistaken. What I did learn was that people are slobs. I’ve lost count of how much popcorn was being fed to the floor… I also don’t see a point in ‘cinema checks’. So I’m suppose to go in and disturb the patrons viewing pleasure by shining a light in their eye and kindly telling them to take their dirty shoes off the seat in front of them, only to look away and drastically find they’ve put them back up. Pointless.

I’m snuggled in bed, enjoying my chick flick of a night when, without any warning, a scene is cut out. And it wasn’t just a simple no-one-will-notice-pointless scene, but actually a very important scene, I believe. It terms of analysis on the movie itself, that scene shows how the protagonist is starting to accept the ways of Mike (Gerard Butler). She willingly puts on the ‘vibrating panties’ — that is what they are right? And overall it’s a goddam funny scene. Who doesn’t want to see Katherine Heigl — or anyone infact — getting stimulated whilst at a public dinner? Come on, I know we all want to.

And I’m not just annoyed that they just cut out the scene. But the fact that they cut out the middle of that scene. Tip if you want to cut out scenes: Either cut the entire scene out, or none of it. Showing the beginning and end just makes for a confused audience. I mean, I watched this is the cinema’s when it came out, so I knew what was happening, but that was just a cheap move, Channel Nine. You didn’t let the scene develop and it just left me confused and disappointed, with my hands down my pants.

And this isn’t the first time this has happened. There has also been a cut out from She’s the Man — again, which I watched in the cinema. I just need an explanation. Was there a point to cutting out the scene where she gets the make-over? It’s probably the most hilarious part of the movie. Especially when she shows up at the college and is greeted by a “‘sup?” and she immediately thinks ‘oh my god, they know!’ It terms of analysis wise, it shows how her character evolves in a way. I’m starting to think these t.v. channels do not want to make us laugh. When we’re already home on a Friday night, probably eating a bucket full of chocolate ice cream waiting for this movie to show us how much our love lives suck.

Partially deleted scene from The Ugly Truth: 1:15 — 2:21.

Entire makeover scene deleted from She’s the Man.

I am the insane idiot who has been sticking with this moron for nearly 9 months now. Holy shit. When you put it that way it sounds a million times more pathetic. I’ll start this post by saying that Chaz really needs help. She hasn’t made a single friend other than me since she got to uni. I, the precious person I am, decided to be her friend out of pity.

And now everyone thinks we’re in a relationship.

See, it would be fine if there were three of us, but no, there is just me and her. Let me just say one thing, I ain’t no dyke. I like penis. PENIS DAMMIT! And I’m pretty sure Chaz likes penis too. She keeps going on about them. penis this, penis that. Usually chicks that talk bout them that much are lesbian but are pretending to be straight. Just sayin’.

She keeps saying that this post is shit. I have been blogging since she was in her diapers. DIAPERS. “Oh you don’t know how to write a blog”"you know I can delete this?” “You’re hopeless”.

Says the person crying last night because she couldn’t do her chemistry homework, (which, being the nice person I am, rescued her from) You owe me Chaz, you owe me big.